Sonali Bhadauria

He knows me like no other and the more time I spend with him, the more I reveal, without even knowing, of how I have let myself go once he was gone. I feel so much shame but yet still find hope in the time he allows me to be at his feet. In one sentence he can have me trembling in fear that I will never be allowed in the comfort of his steel again but hopeful that he might give me a chance. I think he relishes the power he has over me, knowing he keeps me in suspense, frustrated and confused but oh, so overjoyed that he allows me a chance to try. I don’t think I can put eloquently enough into words all that he was and is to me or begin to explain the thousands upon thousands of hours that he spent with me, molding and shaping me to be his. He had created in me that which he desired most and that which I craved most and in his time away, I had let it slip. I do not doubt that it is still hidden deep within me … all those inane things he had drilled into me. Our time together was spent. We quickly don our fins, unwrap the goggles and spit inside the lenses as we have heard before rinsing them in the sea. This keeps the lenses clear. Strapping the goggles around our heads, we cover our eyes and noses – testing the seal by trying to breathe through our noses to find we can’t. Tucking the snorkel tubes under the goggle straps, we nod at each other, sit on the edge of the dingy, and holding hands, tumble back into the sea. We rise to float on the surface as we blow the water out of our tubes and after taking a deep breath, we drop below the surface with our cameras strapped around our wrists. We slowly exhale as we were told to do by our friends who have done this before and stop to admire the various coral and sea life surrounding us. I turn towards you to see you hovering in the clear azure water, your hair waving with the underwater currents and your hands outstretched as little angel fish nibble on your fingers. I quickly pull my camera to my eye and snap a picture.
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